Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Just a phase…