[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir