After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
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When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.