I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
You Might Also Like
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.