[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
accurate
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows