ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
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Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in