You Might Also Like
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom