I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
You Might Also Like
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
this is so top tier i cant
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”