My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
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my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
How to make infinite energy.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.