Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US