HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
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6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Google Pay be like:
Education is vital
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.