me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”