Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Would you wear it?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.