I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
You Might Also Like
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…