5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
it’s either covid or clever vampires
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!