Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
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