If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago