Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.