I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
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my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
How animals would run if they were human
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.