They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.