Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.