Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.