How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.