“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
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The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.