There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that