If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
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Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
What a year we’ve had this week.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.