The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
*pokes sex life with a stick
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.