In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
You Might Also Like
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.