I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”