When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.