at ease…shoulder.
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Potatoes were such a good idea
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
This squirrel eats better than I do
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat