I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
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WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
#Caturday
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho