My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.