My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend