[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
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*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Mornin. * use accordingly
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
How to draw a duck