God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
doing some research
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
i was baptized in a car wash
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”