“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
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😂 amazing answer
Is….Is this an option?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[montage of me giving-up]
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??