If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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Basically.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED