Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
You Might Also Like
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
spicy snake
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.