I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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*mops up wine with cat*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I put the mess in domestic.