Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
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What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.