Noah
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12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
He a real one for that
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
The two types of wives
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes