My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
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[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
🛁
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.