Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.