I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”