[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
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Going into Monday like
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.