me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me sliding into hell like
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.