If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
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“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I WON A HAM TODAY
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.