Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries