Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show